Today I hung out with Emma and Vicky, and it was really lovely to see people! Especially them, because I don't see them very often any more, and they're my best friends.. We basically just hung out and watched movies and played Guitar Hero, which was fun!
But I've also been thinking about my college friend. She's a lovely girl, and we get on well, but there's just something... I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's because she will never be Emma, or Vicky, she will never just understand me like they do.. Or it could be the fact that she never really tells whole truths; she's secretive, and sometimes she slips up, and leaves me wondering what's really going on.. I don't even know, but I feel bad for not knowing how I feel about her.. But I know she is a lovely person, and the only one at college (from my course) that made an effort to speak to me on the first day..
This is making me sad. I feel lonely when I think about college, but I think, when I get there, I put on this mask, become this character, a version of Dottie that I don't quite know. And this Dottie is happy. But she's not me, I cannot be 100% myself, I don't show emotion, I just make out like I'm happy, because I don't want to explain my brain to these people.
I think that's what it is. I'm playing a happy Dottie who is shy, and quiet, and kinda uncomfortable in basically every social situation. Whereas I think I'm not shy, just introverted, and I do like to talk, and being sociable is quite fun. It's cool talking to strangers, like at gigs and on the bus.. That makes me sound mad!
But yeah, I walk into college and put on this mask and it only comes off when I get home. So I am still happy. Just not quite happy enough.
Okay, that's enough of writing down my silly, sad thoughts.
Bye for today!
- Dottie.
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